blksteve asked: What actually made you want to commit suicide and inflict bodily harm?
Being a lost and depressed teen. I got help and my therapist gave me the tools to survive.
Esperanza My Love.
I was convinced that my pain used to flow through my bloodstream.
Kissing each one of my veins like a speeding train on broken tracks.
How to rid the horror and hurt, the hate and horrendous feeling of existing?
My mind tricked me into cutting it out.
Blade to my brown skin, bloodied and hopeless—-
I walked around with scars that only made me feel more insecure.
I’d be sitting there, Indian style, watching my tears pour into my open wounds.
The stinging sensation of sin was the only way I knew that I was still alive.
Bracelets and watches couldn’t hide the damage and I was too proud to walk around bandaged.
I was waiting for my floor to cave in and hug me to hell.
Wanting to collapse from the cutting but I couldn’t.
My cuts weren’t deep enough…
Or maybe my tool wasn’t sharp enough.
Perhaps God was convinced that I hadn’t lived long enough to change the world.
To me, that was unfathomable.
I was “just” another daddy-less black girl who would fall victim to the ways of the world.
I guess I was wrong though because I am still standing.
He kept me here and breathing on my bathroom floor while swimming in sorrow at sixteen.
Drip drop went the blood drops that painted the linoleum hiding under me.
And now at twenty-three, I stare at my daughter and smile with joy.
Seven years later, I gaze in the mirror and say look at me…
Suicide didn’t win, please don’t allow it to take you.
You never know what God has planned, don’t let your pain overtake you.
-Alex Elle
** I have never shared this before but I wrote this piece with no shame. Please seek help if you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts. The struggle to overcome is hard but you owe yourself a chance at survival. I wish you all love, strength and light.**
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
SECRETS OF COLOR: THE POWER OF ORANGE
The second color in the spectrum is orange. This beautiful color is associated with the Sun, and has also a warming and invigorating effect. But whereas red is stimulating to the body and the blood, orange is stimulating to the emotions. It cures those states of paralysis which are often due to emotional reaction. It should be avoided by extremely emotional types, who should acquire balance through its complementary color, blue. Its note is D in the musical scale. Melodies in that key have a strong emotional appeal.
Healing Attributes:
- Orange stimulates metabolism, digestion, sexual energy, and athletic performance. It creates feelings of well-being and contentment. Illnesses that respond well to orange include: asthma, bladder problems, bronchitis, chronic exhaustion, colds, depression, elimination problems, epilepsy, kidney ailments, lung problems, rheumatism, tumors, and urinary problems.
As Your Favorite Color:
- If orange is your favorite color you are able to get along with everyone. You are warm and friendly. You are well organized and efficient. You can organize others as well as yourself. You enjoy activity and are good t motivating yourself. Unless all this is directed toward a goal of some sort, you will feel restless and impatient.
Support in Daily Living:
- Orange is useful whenever you feel indecisive or lacing in motivation. It provides confidence and a sense of security. It increases vitality and eliminates procrastination, while helping you to focus on what you want to achieve. It also enhances all close relationships, and makes you more sociable and outgoing. You should wear orange if you are fearful, anxious, or find it hard to spend much time on your own. It is particularly useful if you have had a shock or heard some bad news.
Hidden Desires:
- A desire for cooperation, harmony, and association.
Goal Pursuits:
- You should use orange if your goal relates to creativity or you are seeking a more positive future. Women should use orange to help overcome any sexual problems. ;)
Stone Healing: Sacral Chakra {Swadhisthana}
- Carnelian - Restores vitality and motivation, and stimulates creativity. It gives courage, promotes positive life choices, dispels apathy and motivates for success. Carnelian is useful for overcoming abuse of any kind. It helps in trusting yourself and your perceptions. It overcomes negative conditioning and encourages steadfastness. Carnelian improves analytic abilities and clarifies perception. It sharpens concentration and dispels mental lethargy. Protects against envy, rage and resentment. Calms anger, banishes emotional negativity and replaces it with a love of life. Carnelian boosts fertility and stimulates sexuality.
- Cinnamon Aventurine - Opens and balances the Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakras. It is especially helpful for those who are oversensitive or indecisive, aiding in overcoming any feelings of problems with power and control over your own life. It can help focus intentions for manifesting a sense of ease in being yourself, in addition to increasing levels of abundance and prosperity.
- Fire Opal - Opal, overall, is an emotional stone and reflects the mood of the wearer. The abundance of a specific color will most affect the chakra of the same tone. Fire Opal mostly affects the sacral chakra.
- Orange Calcite - Orange calcite is a stone that is particularly helpful mentally. It can relieve emotional fear, mental breakdown, depression, accidents, rape, divorce, suicidal thoughts. It is particularly helpful with phobias. Orange calcite restores mental and emotional equilibrium. Orange calcium can also give a gentle boost to psychic abilities and intuition. Physically, orange calcite is helpful for the reproductive system, genitals, intestines, irritable bowel syndrome, kidneys, chronic fatigue, calcium intake and assimilation. It is also helpful for balancing sexual energies.